Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

geishawhite @ 2008-08-26T04:05:00

2008-08-26T03:13:09Z

Didn't foresee this many side-effects ramping up.

Scared about school (is this right for me, no friends, everyone my age graduating, etc)

Scared about money (did the letter go through, will I get the right amount of financial aid, etc)

Scared about sleep cycle being so crazy hard on needing more and more sleep (will I actually make friends at uni, screwed over work wise, what if I have a job, etc)

Return of some of the paranoia (some. Not all. Makes it difficult to talk to people, and keeping close control on it, but it's a bad, bad thing to return)

Emotional. Generally. Like, when I'm asleep or sleepy, there's a dampener on it, I don't feel anything. On verge of tears for no reason. (treating with large amounts of dog-cuddles)

Freezing up with writing, self-doubting, lots of questioning and sloppy stylistic measures taken. (asking for more propping up = v v bad sign. Need firmer confidence less of the 'if I get better THEN')

Scared about meds; needing to change, going back to doctor, dealing with therapist.

Think I can see why my sleep need has rocketed off the charts. Still, don't understand it when I'm at other people's homes/doing something I enjoy.

Word to the wise guys. I'm trying to keep a lid on it, also trying to withdraw rather than shove it on other people, particularly when it's unfairly attributing emotions and feelings to other people. I'll be here, I'm just not on form right now. All those 'I'm backsliding' posts? Yeah, I just hit one of my 'you have made X amount of progress!' posts, as in, two months ago. -facedesk-

Dog-cuddles help.

geishawhite @ 2008-08-25T16:57:00

2008-08-25T15:59:52Z

ugghhhh groggy. I totally, totally blame Nat for putting me on Californian time. This is ridiculous. Today I went to sleep at nine am, and woke up at five. Seriously. Ridiculous. In honour of this silly, I need to write Russ/Felicia today and possibly Selina/Shiva or Catwoman/Crane with Jordan, because it is awesome.

But first. Tea, movie, book.

To Do

2008-08-20T02:55:12Z

School

Send Constantine House the copy of notice of withdrawal. First class.

Check with UEA accommodation email has been received.

Check out DLA, also textbooks.

Sort through clothes

List of stuff needed; go through room

Find replacement messenger bag.

Life

Call doctor, set up appt.

Get sick-note to job centre.

Renew prescriptions.

Pick up yarn/patterns for L & F gifts - do I have time for L current gift? Six weeks = more likely to be eight week size. Check out reductions on Debbie Bliss at crappy lys. Plus extra yarn from dye lot to finish sweater @ later date.

Library; pay fine, return books, re-read the poli sci book.

Dance lesson; make note of individual steps so can practice at home

WEBSITE - bully dad into actually writing up stuff. Talk to C about hosting provider, sort out Dreamweaver.

Hunt out Converse/winter coat; get parent pointed in right direction.

Actually get to sleep for eight hour periods, rather than three hours + four + three, etc.

Bake the bread.

Lasagna for Sunday - pre-prep and cook, sleep when grandmother arrives.

RP

Nina/Simon log; bring in Lucinda when necessary.

Work on Russ & Felicia log

Catwoman & Huntress intro.

Work out where to go with narratives for Aude.

KURT APP. Must finish.

Decide on EI.

Robert

Photos, sort.

Photoshop playing around; advice.

Proobably visit to CMansion tomorrow. Drag him to library so I can pick up moar books?

Find him somewhere to explore while I take lesson tomorrow.

geishawhite @ 2008-08-13T17:43:00

2008-08-13T16:44:00Z

I claim the internet for England.

That is all

Fandom is the good crack

2008-08-11T12:22:54Z

Me: SYLAR AND MAYA BABY WTFFFF XFLKFJLKDJG

Julie: what-wha?

Me: Season Three Heroes.

Julie: ....oh god oh god oh god it reads like badfic

Me: Yes it does

Julie: oh god is the baby going to break her spine

Me: HAHAHAHAHA, NESSI, THEY WILL CALL IT NESSI IN HONOUR OF OTHER MURDEROUS BBS

Julie: SYLAR'S LITTLE DEATH BABY :']]]

Me: HAHAHAjkhdfkjshfjsfhskdfjdshf

Meme!

2008-08-10T17:19:47Z

I cannot promise these will be good.

#1: Comment here and I'll reply to you to tell you which icon(s) of yours I associate with you. Once I reply, please repost this in your own journal.

#2: Comment and I'll make you an icon of something that reminds me of you. You have absolutely no say in what I make! If you do partake in it, please put this in your LJ, so I can do the same to you.

geishawhite @ 2008-08-10T14:10:00

2008-08-10T13:11:49Z

I just ate a punnet of blueberries and they were SO GOOD. (Small punnet. 100 grams)

My fruit cravings have skyrocketed. Am officially over the 'zomg need chocolate' crisis.

Except talking to Chelle, now I want pancakes. With more blueberries. ;___;

geishawhite @ 2008-08-07T21:19:00

2008-08-07T20:21:05Z

There are some things I wouldn't give up. Fresh from bath, with cup of tea and knitting, sitting on a squashy couch and all curled up and dopey with the sounds of snoring from sleepy labradors lying by my feet. Listening to rain drum and thunder roll quietly, miles away.

I'd lie back and listen if I didn't think I'd just fall asleep, which would waste it.

Oh my God

2008-08-06T17:25:39Z

Completely wiped out. My legs, after dancing for half an hour then walking home, are like jelly. I am still dripping with sweat.

So very very unfit. Learned tango and foxtrot basic today; struggling with heel-turn in foxtrot which apparently I cannot manage as my sense of centre of gravity is Fucked, in a word. Also learned steps in rumba that came from Matt shoving me into place and making me follow. It's weird having a friend go from 'friend who teaches random steps' to 'teacher' which should change the dynamic, but doesn't.

Things covered; tango basic and a reverse turn - need to focus on bending knees and getting around in one step. Foxtrot - fix the damn heel-turn. Seriously. Rumba, try and remember the spiral turn into open hiptwist to fan and sliding doors -- why is it I used to dance these steps when I had no idea of technique and three years later I find them impossible?

Learning is also difficult because I'm used to back-leading, aka being 'in control' from a position of little to no power. I watch the floor to steer even when the lead is capable and dance the steps of the routine, rather than following. Bit like life, really. Learning how to just respond instead of forward-planning. Learning how to follow instinct rather than thought. To surrender control and find that enjoyable.

Hot, sweaty, planning on doing another workout on the bike much later due to absolute guilt over the way I've eaten for the past three days & how unfit I am. But fucking loving this. Next lesson, Thursday at three.

geishawhite @ 2008-08-05T07:47:00

2008-08-05T06:48:57Z

Apparently, ten + hours of sleep kills off residual meh-ness.

Feeling much much better and less gross.

Plan of action today? Hang out in bed with knitting, and Spiderwick Chronicles and booksies and play more Caesar III and write.

Quite what yet, I am unsure. But something. I will fiddle with something.

The smell of spam in the morning

2008-08-02T03:08:54Z

I moved myself downstairs to the converted garage/office tonight in the hope of actual sleep.

Let's just describe this set up. I had my brother help me shift the Comfy Mattress Of Doom downstairs which means it's all soft and springy. Feather duvet named Claude, which is soft and squishy and warm. Pillows, stacked up against the head of the bed so I can drape hot & heavy hair over the back of it. Windows, RIGHT NEXT TO ME spilling in cool air. Window ledge for (now ICY) water and booksies.

Location? Off the main house, far enough away from parents that they won't bitch about sleep getting disturbed. When I woke up after eight hours of sleep, I was burrowed under duvet to fend off the cold. COLD. AS IN, SUMMER.

I love this place. -fuzzies-

Secret Life of the American Teenager

2008-07-31T00:20:25Z

Oh My God. This show is like, watching a car accident pile up on a highway. You cannot look away despite knowing it is dreadful and ridiculous and you should really just stop watching. But.

The plot-line is a highly convoluted version of 'teenager gets knocked up'. Realistic teen-sex depiction for the win 'I didn't even know if it was sex! It lasted like, two seconds!' which made me snort. But the girl, Amy, is fifteen. So I'm assuming sex-ed has happened. I remember GCSE bio; by that point, we had definitely covered contraception and the resulting bad-stuff. I don't know US ways of doing things, but in my school, I was ten when they covered menstruation and gave a demonstration of tampons in water (that put me off for three years) and pads. Definitely covered how to make a baby early on, and I have vaguely embarrassing memories of my science teacher at age twelve, putting condoms on a wooden penis.

I digress! Anyway, fifteen = old enough to know about the morning after pill, Family Planning clinics, and that 'ignoring a pregnancy does not magically make it not-happen'. So this show bugged me from the start. You have one of her friends telling her, 'go to the doctor. Confirm it, then TALK to parents/medical people about what to do'. And she's getting slammed by their other friends. Girl's bff is all 'don't tell!' and hugging her sympathetically when Amy (knocked up teen) is whining about going to see a doctor.

Amy gets a new boyfriend shortly into the show, who is ...ridiculous. My ex was a dork, but he wasn't a dork who declared after one date that he loved me. Amy's reaction 'O_o' is realistic compared to her complete lack of grasp on reality to the sex stuff. Anyway, boyfriend finds out - and he proposes. They've been dating maybe three weeks. Kissed once. She is seriously giving off signals she's not that interested in him, and his way of 'fixing it' is to say to his dad that the kid is his, and marry her. Uh. I don't think I knew any teenage boys like that.

Abortion is just not mentioned. At all. By anyone, including the doctor Amy sees to get tested by. From my experience, if you go in for a pregnancy test and come out with a positive result, they're going to at least bring up options if it's clearly an unplanned pregnancy. But it's like abortion magically doesn't exist. That it isn't the most sensible solution for a fifteen year old girl, knocked up via a one-night-stand, very little interest in having the kid and has made a serious mistake. It finally comes up in the fifth episode - as an alternative to being shoved in a home for unwed mothers, having the baby adopted and everyone told she was suffering from a disease. I do not kid.

It is so ...weird. I keep checking to see if we're in the fifties, to see if these attitudes are merited. It's set in California I think, so it's not a state heavy on anti-abortion/contraception laws even if this hadn't been made before the recent legislation.

I mean. I went to a high school, briefly, where having sex got you kicked out. To deal with any pregnancy scares, you had to go to the school psychologist, who would make you an appointment with a family planning clinic in the nearest town and drive you there and back. There was no privacy, or taking care of your own sexual activity, it was pretty much 'if you get into trouble, and you tell, you will be punished'. One of my friends had a pregnancy scare and freaked out. Couldn't take pills easily, was a sobbing mess on my bed for hours, couldn't figure out what to do.

I googled the local clinic, called a cab and took her, where they gave her the morning after, and dealt with it. I understand fear - but Rita at least knew if she ignored it, it would be far worse. She actually panicked until her period came and then she and her boyfriend went back to shagging like bunnies. But still - I knew a lot of the sexually active kids, and my roommate knew a lot of the ones who'd needed things like abortion, morning after. In a school where it was actually punishable, where your teachers were your parents, they still got help. I am just baffled by this premise, where a supposedly smart girl doesn't ...think.

And yeah, I get scared = lack of thought. But for weeks? On end?

geishawhite @ 2008-07-29T17:12:00

2008-07-29T16:13:14Z

Here for reminder purposes to self: Friday, half hour dance lesson with Matt at two thirty. \o/

...Ew

2008-07-29T08:45:06Z

Prozac has an after-taste if you haven't eaten relatively recently.

It's gross.

And it gives heartburn.

FAIL.

Also ow.

geishawhite @ 2008-07-28T16:27:00

2008-07-28T15:29:59Z

English summer time can DIAF thank you. It is hot. As in, 'toss and turn and cannot find comfy spot on pillow' hot. As in, I would sleep naked, but my parents and brother have an alarming habit of knocking-then-walking-in rather than waiting and if I'm passed out nekkid... I'd rather they didn't see that.

Still today there is a breeze, rather than one manufactured by my fan. Driving instructor canceled lesson = good when I'm tired and cranky, less good when you think I really wanted to get going on this. Georgie changed date of meet-up from tomorrow to Wednesday which means more sleep.

Thunderstorms predicted tonight, I think. May go and sit on the edge of the conservatory and bathe in the rain. :3

geishawhite @ 2008-07-25T16:01:00

2008-07-25T15:05:37Z

Have a headache now from sleeping too long and too heavily, but I HAD to have more.

Dream was really vivid. Was composing a song for a bunch of mostly kids and some adults - Angels Under Sun I think (details already going hazy) What makes it memorable is that it wasn't a song, or lyrics I have ever heard, this was entirely composed in my head and shoved into my dream. Together with an opening treble piece, diverging into an adult woman's solo going from va-va-voom to sober, another adult woman and then - fuck, losing it already. But it was so pretty. Especially when it somehow moved to a full choir and you had the sopranos and altos singing softly without words and the guys singing underneath and vice versa.

God. Am all disorientated, it's four pm and I just woke up, but I loved that dream. ;___; Wish I could take a tape-recorder into my dreams sometimes. It was so good! I want to sing that.

geishawhite @ 2008-07-24T19:21:00

2008-07-24T18:22:35Z

I saw TDK.

It was AWESOME.

Now I really want Beckinsale to do Catwoman >.>

Cannot wait for next film.

Heath Ledger as Joker? Frigging amazing.

That is all

Time Traveller's Wife

2008-07-23T15:19:36Z

Oh God.

I avoided reading this book because of the cover-art. I could've read it way back at Peddie; it was one of the books on display near the desk. I picked it up, but present-first person was too much to cope with on top of algebra and anorexia. Don't think it's a coincidence that I use present tense third person narrow perspective or first person when I write something trying to capture the vividness of emotion. That book is a punch to the gut. Wistful and lonely, and you want to laugh so you won't pity him oh God.

I figured I'd empathise more with Clare. It's an Odyssey and whenever I wrote Penelope, it was easy to tap into that minefield of being left behind and wanting, waiting patient for the resolution that has to come. Fate, and time and jesus christ, this is why Penny and Oliver is the best thing I've ever written and read. But oh God, Henry. Henry's perspective is the one loaded with futility of struggling against Fate and realizations.

God, I want to grow up and be Audrey Niffenegger. I want to write those phrases that aren't bogged down. I was going to start mapping out bits against the text. Mark it up with pencil the way I did when studying lit, but not 'this is use of synonym' but 'this is something I would like to emulate'. But I couldn't. To do so would pull me out of the text and the story and pace.

Read it too fast, need to go back and re-read when it makes my heart ache less.

geishawhite @ 2008-07-18T16:18:00

2008-07-18T15:20:04Z

Feeling kind of blue today. Number of reasons, some of which involve the whole-scale failure to get anything organized. Will be around, but really not in the mood for *hugs* and all that sort of thing. Will be trying to shake it.

geishawhite @ 2008-07-18T00:45:00

2008-07-17T23:46:48Z

So I thought this icon was just y'know, dramatic cover art. But NO. NO. IT COMES FROM WHEN BATMAN HAS JUST PUNCHED CATWOMAN IN THE GODDAMN SHOULDER WHERE SHE'S BEEN HIT BY A BULLET, AND Y'KNOW, KNOCKS HER UNCONSCIOUS FROM PAIN.

SPAM tonight [Meme]

2008-07-16T01:11:20Z

1. What are your reasons for having a LJ?

I started my first LJ, cloudofcalm five years ago. I'd wanted one for a while; it was fanfic-aimed at the time and I got given an invite code to participate in a fic-writing fest. Initially, it was a way of finding and reading stuff I liked that wasn't dire, and practicing my own writing - I was part of a community that was invite only for writers and was really proud of my abilities getting me in - in comparison to other members. Nowadays, it's vent space. It's much much easier to 'talk' to a blank page than it is to speak aloud. I use stream-of-consciousness in writing anyway, and my LJ is largely my thoughts transferred to virtual paper, without editing. I print stuff out for my therapist, I track important moments. sheyrena described it once, (words not exact) as having a void to shout into, and knowing someone's listening. I like not feeling alone. LJ helps with that.

2. What do you do before bedtime?

'Bedtime' is sort of a moot concept as I don't sleep to a specific pattern. At night, though - bath while reading, pjs and curling up in bed on laptop until eyes-hurt sleepiness. After I'm at 'I shall sleep' point though, I ALWAYS have to have a book, even if only for a couple of pages. It's so much of a habit that even reading a couple of pages puts me out, when I would be awake otherwise.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?

Small, and real. I have issues with big massive weddings that are about the money, rather than the people. If I ever get married, it would likely be a small church wedding; very simple, very plain but about the marriage.

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?
For what? There are many, many places I'd like to be, but for different reasons. New York, when I first visited back in 2005, felt like 'home'. I loved the buzz and the vibe and the constant movement and sound and stuff to do - the feeling of being part of something that throbbed that much, even when it was supposed to be asleep. I loved London, while I was working there - I like the Tube, crammed as it is, and the ability to walk out of work and be on Oxford Street within moments. I like the feeling of belonging; I grew up in London, a lot of it is stuff I've seen when I was small and I can still negotiate most of the Tube by remembered knowledge. Paris, however, is somewhere I want to go, and live briefly. My mother used to talk about it a lot, and I'd love to take a year just to be there. See old family friends, see the gardens and cemeteries and architectural stuff - but also to sit and drink cafe au lait and read the newspaper. I've spent quite a bit of time in France, but never more than a day or so in Paris.

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
It depends. When I have the energy - an extrovert. I like being on the move and doing stuff, and am very open expressing myself and showing affection. Most of the time though, I'm in the habit of introversion.

6. Which is better, loving someone or being loved by someone?

God, either can be painful, or impossible. Both are, in fact - I've been in positions where either one has been present and I wouldn't choose to either love someone and not have them love me, or be loved when I don't share those feelings. If not knowing factored in? I'd choose being loved by someone - then I wouldn't carry the pain around.

7. Do you trust easily?
...I really don't know? I think so - but my trust is very easily lost. I'll feed out a certain amount to everyone, hold back a little, then give more. But not something I've considered in complex terms.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Try and disregard it until I get over it. Be happy for them; if I genuinely like them, rather than a euphemism for finding them attractive and desirable, rather than knowing them - then part of that is wishing for their happiness.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Lots. But unless it's an issue that's affected by someone else, I try to keep the sharing and offloading to a minimum; learning to stand on my own two feet. ;)

10. What is your best quality?

...Jesus. I have no idea. I would have thought generosity of spirit - I want others to be happy, and am pleased when they are - but with the idea of 'people pleasing', I'm not sure that's a best quality. I would say comforting though? I'm looked to for reassurance and hugs, and that was a quality I admired in my grandmother.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Depends on for what. xD

12. How do you see yourself?
Pigheaded, issue-laden, dry humoured, loving, difficult and arrogant.

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
...It's a cop-out to say 'everyone I talk to regularly and lean on', right? I don't keep people around in my life if they're not important to me; I'm too good at letting things slide as it is xD so if I'm persistent, it's for a reason. If we're talking, people who have had a significant impact on my life - my grandmother, and Rob. Grandmother will always be one of the most important people to me, partly because my therapist has me using her as a 'perfect nurturer' figure, but also because it's someone I can say, hand on heart, I am loved unconditionally and without pain, by. Rob, because I made it very, very difficult for him to stay close and try and look after me - and he pushed to do it. I didn't wind up in hospital, largely due to him. And I'm very thankful for that.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
I didn't get tagged so much as get bored and nick this from Chelle. But Chelle - strength. Learned wisdom, from the kind of falling down and getting up again with the determination to keep on battling until it goes right. Compassionate, filled with opinions, and someone I look to without reservation for advice, comfort and help and laughter.

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
...I don't like this question. Marriage can be hell, whether you started out loving one another or not. Money issues shouldn't break it apart, but they often do. While being single can imply loneliness, I don't think so. I'd rather plump myself in the middle; capable of making a decision, secure financially but neither rich nor poor - still have to work for it, still don't take life for granted.

16. How many children do you want to have, if any?
Head/heart lag. Part of me is motherly. All the freaking time. People who write with me KNOW how much I love children as I can't not-write them into some of my characters. I love kids; their simplicity and the way they communicate, the yen for boundaries and comfort and cuddles and uncomplicated fun. Since the age of about four, I have made a beeline for every baby and tot that has come into my orbit and I'm good with kids. Babies can make me very very broody, if only because every hormonal instinct kicks off and fires. But, thinking with my head. What our parents do to us is very often ingrained into our behaviour to our children. I've noticed it; even when babysitting I 'parent' children - one of the reasons I was so popular ;) and that sometimes scares me. I don't want to reach a point where a ten year old is curled up on the floor, sobbing and begging me to stop arguing so they can go to bed - and thinking that I'm right, and that that's okay behaviour. So while I may end up a teacher, so I can spend my time with tiny kidlets - I don't think I want to be in a position to cause the kind of emotional pain to others.

17. What's better, to give or to receive?
No answer to this. I love both, it depends on the reasoning and motivation and the situation.

18. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
...Specifics? It depends on circumstance.

19. What would you do if you (or your girlfriend) became pregnant unexpectedly?
Here comes the whole head/heart lag thing again. I really do not know if I could make an appointment. Depends on time of finding out, situation, circumstance, the guy in question, what's going on in my life. If it's unexpected, it's not a decision made to GET pregnant. The way I am, I'd hope that if I were engaged in a sexual relationship, it would be with someone who I loved and trusted enough to share the decision with. There's no generic answer to this.

20. What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite sex?

I ...really don't know. They knew I was a girl; I was going to be Agnes-Maude, but the affected, French pronunciation would defeat most Englishers. Same with my brother; it was always boys' names. He was, however *GRIN* going to be 'Christopher Robin'.

Shit

2008-07-11T19:57:23Z

I was into Bones. It's interesting, the by play and the character sketches and dead bodies who've been dead that long - they don't bother me.

Turns out they do if it's a six year old kid, who has been sexually assaulted, is in the foster care system and who is deeply, deeply loved by his mother. What really fucking broke me? When the 'scenario' thing showed in repeat how the kid died.

And the little boy sobbing his eyes out as the lie that an adult gave him was unfolded. Yeah. I now feel extremely tearful, have a lump in my throat and am not in the mood for pretty much anything.

geishawhite @ 2008-07-11T19:56:00

2008-07-11T18:57:16Z

My family speaks in code. Incomprehensible streams of numbers and letters, words like 'Goose' and 'Hornet' and 'Vstrom' thrown around as though they mean something.

They are all bloody bike bores. And my mother just acquired one. I am waiting for the deluge to end.

geishawhite @ 2008-07-08T21:38:00

2008-07-08T20:43:03Z

I'm not sure how my body deals with PMS given I take hormones designed to stop it but that's what this is. Fucking glorious.

Nausea's progressed into full on cramping, 'someone tied my stomach and uterus into a knot and I can't undo it' that is making me sick with pain. Breasts are agony right now, brushing my arm against myself hurts like all holy hells and wearing a bra is so uncomfortable to contemplate, I refuse. PJ day tomorrow, I think. Also time to break for a period; when it's this hellish, the only thing to do.

I swear, that whole 'trick the body into thinking it's pregnant' thing? ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU PREGNANCY SIDE-EFFECTS. Cramps I can about handle. Nausea - I have a month and a half of living on toast and marmite to back up 'I have dealt with that'. But sore boobs? Motherfucking OW. I sleep on my STOMACH. Not tonight. >.<

Grumpy and sour and tired but too-tired to sleep so going to curl under blankets and watch Bones and feel wretchedly sorry for myself. </sulk>

geishawhite @ 2008-07-08T16:50:00

2008-07-08T16:00:45Z

Oh God, I keep forgetting how good this feels.

Writing is hard, it's a bitch to keep going at and the ideas are just out of reach, within fingers' grasp almost. I get out of practice so easily and when I'm out of practice, it's clunky and rusty and I hate the words I scrabble together. I hate logging, I hate anything more than comments flinging back and forth - the idea of writing is enough to make me roll over and sleep heavily for five hours.

I am lucky in that I have interactions with characters that keep me enthused and when I'm beating myself up for not being able to write a vignette, I'm able to start a scene with someone. Jesus Christ. At the beginning it was heavy and unsubtle and out of character; I struggled to know my own creation and to write it and make sense. Several hours(!) later, words were like water. It was hard, but it wasn't as hard, and there were some really nice lines and descriptions in there, and some condensed ways of saying things that seemed right.

I have a tendency toward the flowery, and borrowing lines back from myself. But last night as I fell asleep, words and visuals were plodding through my head; I had an idea for the narrative I'd struggled with, to set it in and imagery I wanted to use. The character creation idea I'd had got flaws - funny, I always try and find flaws before I do anything else and there's a line, 'he doesn't drink any more than the next man, he'd say, face slack and relaxed and an easy smile with a bite behind it that tells you not to probe further'. I seem to be on an alcohol kick in writing. *facepalm* except, I have mental images of places from real life; images that stick out strongly, and the one that kicks in anytime someone mentions a bar - is NYEB. Sooo not right for this setting. It blurred together with the pilot for TruBlood though, which was a little more in keeping.

But yeah, I'm relaxed and happy and still riding the high of a good narrative and an awesome log before plunging back in again. It's times like these that I think, hey. Why did I doubt this whole 'writer' thing? I'm still one

I'll fall down again, seize up, get performance anxiety yet again, but it's okay. I can do this. I pick myself up and it's not all that bad, and I don't need to be terrified of something that has me smiling til my cheeks hurt and creating again.